I tried and tired.

It been quite sometimes since I update this blog of mine. Been busy with work and family. Sometimes, I just wish that this feelings would just go away and forget about the past. I tried to look for him and I am tired. I am just too tired. I don't know sometimes it is just not fair to me. I guess I can't really forget about my relationship that I had 8 years back.

People might see me that I had move on but deep in me, I am not moving on at all. I guess the relationship that I had was just wonderful and perfect but I had let it go. How stupid I was!!! Maybe I just stop searching for him coz I know he won't come back again. I keep telling myself he is not for me but haizz it's the heart that say he is for me! It really drives me nuts!!

Goodbye 2010...

2010 had been a memorable year for me. At the begining of the year, at the month of Feb 24th the person who I dearly loved left us without saying goodbye. I thought my world was going to end. She has been taking care of since the first day I see the world. She is my grandmother, Hjh Nekmah Bte Maksom. My life almost torn into pieces. The thing is that she is always there to listen to my stories and shared my problems. The problem with me is that the bonding me with my parents are not so closed. Until now, I have been keeping alot to myself and I tried to be close to them. To me losing a family member is like losing parts of my body.

It didn't end here. As months goes by, an uncle passed on, followed by a cousin who passed away in an accident and another grandmother passed on.

On the November 19th, I sent my eldest sister, Norimah Bte Abdul Rahim to the hospital. I thought her condition will be much more better but it got worst. This time, I spent most of the time visiting her even though I am tired with work. Had to rush from work to hospital. Only GOD knows how I felt at that time of point. Around late November, she kept having relapsed and it makes me more worried. What makes me more emotionally depressed came from my work place. They thought I was trying to make a joke when everytime I asked for urgent leave. Thank GOD, I got supportive colleagues. They even ask me not to come to work with this kind of condition coz they saw what's happening to my sister.

On the December 1st at 1230hrs, my sister left us. I was beside her. I guess she understand my situation and waited for me to come and be with her until her last breathe. She passed away leaving 2 beautiful daughters behind age 7 and 5. Few weeks later, a cousin passed away due to heart attack.

Life is so unpredictable. Life is so precious. You will never know when you be called back to the creator. Life has to move on and treasure the loved ones. I made a promise to myself and I don't want to feel the guiltiness again. For what had happened in 2010 is an eye opener for me, to appreciate my loved ones. Somehow I wish I could turn back time and make them alive again but it is impossible.

From bottom of my heart, I would like to say a big thank you for those who have be supportive and shared what I had been through. THANK YOU. I am wiping my tears.

I am leaving...

I am going to leave my work as soon as possible. Macam da tak maknanya working in this kind of environment. I want to look for a better career. Memang sayang nak tinggalkan budak-budak sini tapi apa leh buat, life has to move on. I guess this year I keep losing my loved ones. I pray that I could be strong to go through all this....

RINDU!!!

Rindu sangat-sangat dengan arwah nenek. Hari ini genap lah 6 bulan dia pergi tinggalkan kita. Ingin sahaja aku pekik dan luahkan, NENEK, ANI RINDU SANGAT-SANGAT NGAN NENEK!!!!!

Salam Ramadhan

Selamat berpuasa semua. Tahun ni sedih kerana nenek telah pergi meninggalkan kita. Kadang-kadang aku rasa marah dan ada kalanya aku menangis sendirian. Mengenangkan nenek yang telah pergi menyahut seruaan illahi. Aku rindu sangat dengan dia. Dia banyak mendengar rintihan aku. Walau macam mana pun kehidupan ini akan diteruskan.

Masih Mencari..

Dalam aku mencari erti sebenarnya kehidupan ini. Aku sedar bahawa kehidupan tidaklah seindah mana. Dalam aku mencari erti sebenarnya kasih dan sayang, aku sedar bahawa kasih dan sayang yang aku cari telah lama hilang. Maafkan aku kerana kau telah banyak mengajar aku namun masa itu aku tidak sedar sebenarnya kau lah untuk ku.

Maafkan aku kerana lepaskan kau pergi. Hingga kini kau masih dalam ingatan ku. Aku sedar aku tidak akan jumpa lagi dengan orang yang sebaik kau.

Aku masih mencari.

3 months passed.

Today mark the 3rd month, she left us. I feel like yesterday I just saw her and talk to her. She will always be remembered and she always remained in my heart now and forever..