Journey With No End

I tried and tired.

2011-05-04T05:24:00.002+08:00

It been quite sometimes since I update this blog of mine. Been busy with work and family. Sometimes, I just wish that this feelings would just go away and forget about the past. I tried to look for him and I am tired. I am just too tired. I don't know sometimes it is just not fair to me. I guess I can't really forget about my relationship that I had 8 years back.

People might see me that I had move on but deep in me, I am not moving on at all. I guess the relationship that I had was just wonderful and perfect but I had let it go. How stupid I was!!! Maybe I just stop searching for him coz I know he won't come back again. I keep telling myself he is not for me but haizz it's the heart that say he is for me! It really drives me nuts!!

Goodbye 2010...

2010-12-30T01:46:00.000+08:00

2010 had been a memorable year for me. At the begining of the year, at the month of Feb 24th the person who I dearly loved left us without saying goodbye. I thought my world was going to end. She has been taking care of since the first day I see the world. She is my grandmother, Hjh Nekmah Bte Maksom. My life almost torn into pieces. The thing is that she is always there to listen to my stories and shared my problems. The problem with me is that the bonding me with my parents are not so closed. Until now, I have been keeping alot to myself and I tried to be close to them. To me losing a family member is like losing parts of my body.

It didn't end here. As months goes by, an uncle passed on, followed by a cousin who passed away in an accident and another grandmother passed on.

On the November 19th, I sent my eldest sister, Norimah Bte Abdul Rahim to the hospital. I thought her condition will be much more better but it got worst. This time, I spent most of the time visiting her even though I am tired with work. Had to rush from work to hospital. Only GOD knows how I felt at that time of point. Around late November, she kept having relapsed and it makes me more worried. What makes me more emotionally depressed came from my work place. They thought I was trying to make a joke when everytime I asked for urgent leave. Thank GOD, I got supportive colleagues. They even ask me not to come to work with this kind of condition coz they saw what's happening to my sister.

On the December 1st at 1230hrs, my sister left us. I was beside her. I guess she understand my situation and waited for me to come and be with her until her last breathe. She passed away leaving 2 beautiful daughters behind age 7 and 5. Few weeks later, a cousin passed away due to heart attack.

Life is so unpredictable. Life is so precious. You will never know when you be called back to the creator. Life has to move on and treasure the loved ones. I made a promise to myself and I don't want to feel the guiltiness again. For what had happened in 2010 is an eye opener for me, to appreciate my loved ones. Somehow I wish I could turn back time and make them alive again but it is impossible.

From bottom of my heart, I would like to say a big thank you for those who have be supportive and shared what I had been through. THANK YOU. I am wiping my tears.

I am leaving...

2010-11-22T01:07:00.002+08:00

I am going to leave my work as soon as possible. Macam da tak maknanya working in this kind of environment. I want to look for a better career. Memang sayang nak tinggalkan budak-budak sini tapi apa leh buat, life has to move on. I guess this year I keep losing my loved ones. I pray that I could be strong to go through all this....

RINDU!!!

2010-08-24T23:31:00.001+08:00

Rindu sangat-sangat dengan arwah nenek. Hari ini genap lah 6 bulan dia pergi tinggalkan kita. Ingin sahaja aku pekik dan luahkan, NENEK, ANI RINDU SANGAT-SANGAT NGAN NENEK!!!!!

Salam Ramadhan

2010-08-11T00:27:00.002+08:00

Selamat berpuasa semua. Tahun ni sedih kerana nenek telah pergi meninggalkan kita. Kadang-kadang aku rasa marah dan ada kalanya aku menangis sendirian. Mengenangkan nenek yang telah pergi menyahut seruaan illahi. Aku rindu sangat dengan dia. Dia banyak mendengar rintihan aku. Walau macam mana pun kehidupan ini akan diteruskan.

Masih Mencari..

2010-07-11T12:10:00.002+08:00

Dalam aku mencari erti sebenarnya kehidupan ini. Aku sedar bahawa kehidupan tidaklah seindah mana. Dalam aku mencari erti sebenarnya kasih dan sayang, aku sedar bahawa kasih dan sayang yang aku cari telah lama hilang. Maafkan aku kerana kau telah banyak mengajar aku namun masa itu aku tidak sedar sebenarnya kau lah untuk ku.

Maafkan aku kerana lepaskan kau pergi. Hingga kini kau masih dalam ingatan ku. Aku sedar aku tidak akan jumpa lagi dengan orang yang sebaik kau.

Aku masih mencari.

3 months passed.

2010-05-24T18:12:00.002+08:00

Today mark the 3rd month, she left us. I feel like yesterday I just saw her and talk to her. She will always be remembered and she always remained in my heart now and forever..

Mother's Day???

2010-05-08T23:34:00.003+08:00

It's Mother's Day tomorrow and ya I don't want to think about it or celebrate it. To me mother's day means nothing anymore. It's not that I don't have a mother. I still have a mother. But I don't know whether to treat her as my mother or a stranger.

It is never same afer grandma left us, everything change. I become very quiet, I only talk when it is necessary. Last year was the last year we celebrated Mother's day with grandma. I didn't know she's going to leave us.

Grandma, if you could hear me. I wanna wish you Happy Mother's Day and I miss you so much. You had been a wonderful grandma and the best grandma in the world that I could ever get. No one could replace you not even mum.

I know everytime I update this blog it's all about grandma. I can't accept the fact that she is no longer with us. She's been taking care of me since the first day I see this world. And now the pain I am suffering, I suffer alone.

Sickening!!

2010-05-01T03:44:00.001+08:00

It is just sickening when people accused you for doing things that you never do!!!!!!!

EMOTIONALLY DISTURB!!!

2010-04-28T22:24:00.002+08:00

I am emotionally disturb by my people surroundings. It has cause me pain. It is too painfully too describe. Sometimes, I just feel like doing it again. I just want to end it and follow nenek. I just can't bear this pain anymore.

Ikhlas ke nama tu?

2010-04-24T12:20:00.003+08:00

Bila orang da mula mengukit kisah lama, ikhlas ke namanya tu? Terutama sekali bila pat duit. Ye duit. Bila orang tu belanja kita tak kiralah dari segi apa-apa saja da tu dia ungkit semua balik, ikhlas ke namanya tu? Tak faham betul ye. Tapi bila kita tolong orang dan orang tu janji nak bayar balik dia tak tepati salah ke kalau kita ungkit dan ingatkan dia balik salah ke?

Tak faham kan. Tak pe biar aku sorang je faham. Biar lah aku cari sendiri apa maknanya ikhlas.

Ish ish

2010-04-21T22:54:00.000+08:00

Hari ni best,tak keje pasal cuti umum hahaha... Suka hati je cakap cuti umum tak lah actually sememangnya kena clear cuti. Tapi besok da kena back to work hurhurhur pat ni boring kan. Kan best kalau tak keje tapi duit masuk je hari-hari haha.. Berangan lah pulak kan budak ni sorang. Mana boleh macam tu. Nak kena usaha kata nak capai impian.

Memandangkan ni hari cuti kebetulan makcik ni hari berangkat pegi Umrah jadi sempat lah hantar dia ke airport. Tak sangka pulak terserempak dengan kawan sekolah lama. Tapi cara dia approach tu macam nak kena tampar je. Apa taknya dia serbu dari belakang nasib baik tak bukak langkah hahah.. Bual punya bual anak dia da nak masuk tiga uuuuu... Wah betul punya production heheh... Tapi yang tak best bila dia tanya "eh si dektu tu da kawin?" aku pun dengan selamber jawap "dia da kawin da 2 tahun" dia sambung lagi "yelah mana aku tau dia tak jemput, aku cuma tau kau dengan si dektu je yang belum kawin." Apa kena mengena dengan aku pulak ni? Aku pun cut it short "ok lah see you around aku nak jumpa makcik aku." Hmm dia tak tau ke aku ni walau belum kawin tapi anak aku da ramai ada lah dalam 70 orang gitu hahaha..

Forget about the conversation, aku pun tak lah kisah sangat. Lepas hantar bik oni, kita gi makan pat Nasi Bawean dengan makcik dan pakcik aku yang lain hahahaha.. Had a great laugh. Bukan kenyang pasal makan tapi ketawa banyak sangat. Apa tak aku sorang je anak sedara yang ada pat situ.

Well that's all for today. Hmm let's see what's for tomorrow.

I wonder.

2010-04-21T00:01:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what is relationship all about. Is it because of love or lust? Hmm well I myself don't have the answer. As for now I am going with the flow.

Every moment, I heard the song Bye-bye from Mariah Carey I'll cry my heart out. I miss her so much. No one could ever replace her. She's my everything and now she's gone. I hope she will meet atuk up there.

Nek, if your listening I miss you so much. Aini da hilang tempat mengadu dan tempat bergantung nek. Al-fateha semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat.

Kalau Nenek Masih Disini

2010-03-27T23:14:00.002+08:00

Kalau nenek masih disini, aku tak rasa sepi sangat. Ada jugak orang yang boleh aku ajak berbual. Tak yah lah susah susah aku fikir pasal sesiapa pun. Bila nenek pergi tinggalkan kita semua, aku rasa teramat sangat sunyi. Nak kata tak de kawan ada tapi aku tak suka nak susahkan sesiapa.

Nenek, ani rindu sangat ngan nenek. Ani ingat bila da jumpa dia, hidup ani tak sunyi lagi tapi ani silap nek. Mungkin ani kena banyak bersabar ye nek.

I miss her.

2010-03-15T01:18:00.002+08:00

I miss her so much. I can't hold back my tears. I can't.... I just keep on crying. Looking back at those pictures it make me sad. Those happy moments when I am with her. She gone forever.

I wish I could shout it loud! Nenek, ani rindu nenek!!!!!

Janji Padanya..

2010-03-09T14:47:00.002+08:00

Selepas pemergiaan nenek, aku hilang tempat bergantung. Aku hilang tempat mengadu aku hilang segala-galanya. kadang-kadang aku tertanya kenapa nenek tak bawak aku pergi sama dengannya? Mengapa dia yang pergi dulu. Nenek, aini rindu sangat dengan nenek.

Setiap malam aku pasti teringat dia. Dia banyak mengajar aku dia banyak menasihati aku. Walaupun kadang-kadang aku marah tapi aku tidak pernah bermaksud sebegitu. Nenek, kalau lah cahaya aku. Kini kau telah pergi tinggalkan aku.

Al-Fateha

2010-02-25T01:32:00.002+08:00

Nenek telah selamat dikebumikan. Dia telah pulang ke rahamatullah pada 24/02/2010 pada pukul 7.30am. Apa yang aku lihat amat menyedihkan. Tak sangka nenek akan pergi tinggalkan kita semua. Kini hanya tinggal kenangan. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat insya-allah.

The Last Time.

2010-02-21T13:49:00.002+08:00

When the last time, I was mentally and emotionally tired I pop in sleeping pills and end up in the hospital be without me realising it. All I wanted was to sleep the whole day and wake up a brand new me. But then I didn't know for what I did I had made my family and dear friends worried about me.

I had done it wrong. I don't want to beg for love anymore. I am stronger now. It was because of a guy, I almost killed myself. I wanna achieve my dreams and goals. Soon or later I know I would meet someone who could shower me with love and treasure me like Syahiq ever do to me last time. I know nobody could ever replaced him. He still remains in my heart.

Now, I am emotionally and mentally tired. I wanna sleep but not popping in the sleeping pills. Semangnya aku da ngantuk ni.

Peluang

2010-02-19T00:57:00.000+08:00

Patut tak kalau kita beri peluang pada orang yang pernah kita sayang? Patut tak kalau kita kembali kepadanya. Hmmm agak-agak kalau kita kasi peluang hati ini akan disakiti lagi ke? Kenapa lelaki ni ego sangat? Kenapa lelaki ni susah sangat nak faham isi hati seorang wanita.

Kenapa aku ni susah nak faham lelaki? Atau mungkin aku ni da lebih sangat faham tentang dorang.

Berubah

2010-02-11T00:44:00.002+08:00

Dalam sekelip mata manusia boleh berubah. Menjadi yang baik atau yang jahat. Kadang-kadang kita manusia terlupa dengan apa yang kita cakp. Kadang-kadang kita cakap sayang tapi dalam hati tidak niat begitu. Kadang-kadang kita cakap benci tapi dalam hati tidak niat begitu.

Sekiranya perubahan itu akan menyakitkan hati orang, mengapa pada mulanya keluarkan kata sayang. Kan ada lebih baik kalau dipendamkan sahaja.

Apakah sebenarnya perkataan sayang itu hanya dibibir tapi bukan lahir dari hati yang ikhlas? Ntah lah susah nak faham dengan manusia ni.

PMS

2010-01-19T15:20:00.002+08:00

I guess I am having my PMS now. It's seem dangerous. Too many things in my mind and I am very2 angry now haizz. I hate this feeling I hate when it is PMS!!!

Maafkan Aku..

2009-12-28T01:09:00.002+08:00

Entahlah kenapa semenjak kebelakangan ini, aku asyik teringat dia. Walaupun sudah 7 tahun berlalu tetapi ya masih segar dalam ingatan. Aku ingin kan kebahagiaan. Kenapa susah sangat untuk aku lupakan dia. Mengapa!!!!!!!!

Aku benci akan perasaan ini. Sepertinya aku tidak dapat terus kehidupan ini. Tanpa dia segalanya gelap buat diriku. Hati aku sering disakiti. Tapi dahulu aku tidak pernah rasa erti disakiti. Apakah dosa ku sehingga aku di duga sebegini???

Maafkan aku kerana mengingati dirimu. Kerana kau telah mengajar aku erti cinta.

Kahwin...

2009-12-25T01:55:00.003+08:00

Best betul tengok orang-orang ni kawin. Teringin pulak nak rasa nak tempuh alam perkahwinan. Tapi tak semudah itu ya. Aku ni masih single and frankly speaking I am stress up with the people around me. Yelah semua kawan-kawan aku da kawin bila ada gathering mesti dorang tanya aku bila nak kawin?

Ni je yang aku nak type bukan apa aku takut nak ingat kembali peristiwa yang lalu.

Thank You..

2009-12-11T20:06:00.002+08:00

I am glad to see it. Thank you for everything. Thank you. I don't know how should I thank you. To those two of them I would like to say a big thank you. And I always pray for your happiness. Don't worry about me coz I am moving on. And I am rather busy with my life.

To myself, I give myself applause coz I am strong enough. It make me learn. I gain alot from the both of them. Let's focus Noor Aini!!!

Moving On..

2009-11-23T21:14:00.002+08:00

I had been thinking about those guys. I know it's kind of rubbish but then I don't understand why do they got the guts to say words that gave hope to others and in the end they the one who broke it. I guess they had not been hurt and doesn't know what is the meaning of hurt. On the other side of me is wanting a revenge but then who am I to do that? It's wrong lah ya I know. I should not be childish. Anyway, I learn and realised that those words are to be say from your heart but not from your mouth.

When I was with him, I seldom mention those words coz I know deep down in me I really love him. No point telling or saying it everyday when you don't mean it.

I am on my feet standing strong to go through the thick and thin on my own. I have to achieve what I have been wanting for. And ya I will survive. No doubt he still remain in my heart, his name, his smile and his smell. Nevertheless I pray for your happiness.

It Hurts....

2009-11-21T21:24:00.002+08:00

It seems that I wouldn't want to be in relationship anymore. I had been hurt not once but twice. It seems that guys love to dumped me now and then. I don't what went wrong or maybe it is karma... I don't know.

It just hurts me. I might be smiling and cheerful but deep down GOD knows how I feel. I am so hurt. I can't describe how hurt I am now.

I'm tired of searching.

2009-10-25T23:17:00.001+08:00

Kadang-kadang lebih baik begini daripada terus disakiti. Lif still have to move on and go on.

Happy Birthday To Me

2009-10-22T18:55:00.001+08:00

Ni hari b'day aku yang ke? Hmmm... rahsia mana leh bilang orang umur aku hahaha... Aku cuma doakan untuk diriku yang terbaik aje. Yang lain tu aku serahkan pada yang lebih berkuasa. Semoga segala yang aku impian kan jadi nyata insya-allah, amin...

Apa Di Mahukan?

2009-10-14T14:48:00.002+08:00

Apa ya sebenarnya yang diinginkan oleh setiap manusia? Terutama sekali bila mencari pasangan hidup. Terus terang, aku tak tahu apa yang aku mahu kan. Bagi diri aku, apa yang aku mahu kan dari seorang lelaki telah lama hilang. Dia telah lama pergi namun sisa-sisa nya masih ada dalam diriku.

Manusia selalu berjanji tetapi tidak pernah ditepati. Haizzz...Aper-aper je lah... Yang aku tau sekarang aku kena focus!!

Aku Mahu Impian Aku Jadi Nyata.

2009-10-10T09:35:00.002+08:00

Kadang-kadang didalam kehidupan kita, kita sering lalai dengan aper yang kita inginkan. Aku adalah salah satu daripada mereka. Aku sering lupa dan lalai dengan kemahuaan aku sendiri. Hari ini aku sadar dari ingatan yang sebenarnya aku mahu sesuatu tapi masih belum aku temui.

Tiap kali bertentangan mata aku akan lihat matanya penuh dengan kebohongan. Aku sudah nekad walau apa pun aku akan tetap teruskan impian aku. Bagi aku tanpa dia hidup aku tidak akan musnah sekali pun.

Aku tidak mahu peristiwa lama berulang lagi sekali. Sebab itu kadang-kadang kala aku bosan dengan perangai mereka. Cakap tapi tak serupa buat. Yang aku mahukan sekarang yelah aku mahu miliki apa yang aku impikan selama ini. Bagi aku itu adalah yang lebih utama.

Untuk keluarga dan juga diriku. Aku sedar tanpa itu semua keluarga aku akan sentiasa dipandang rendah dan hina orang saudara mara.

Here Again...

2009-10-07T14:16:00.000+08:00

Been sometime, I have not been blogging. Anyway I am trying to get some ideas what to blog. So be back again.